Uplift Yourself

As you could read in my previous (uplifting and joyous) post, I sometimes feel like I can't deal with life's challenges no more.
By times I just wanna curl up in bed, cuddling (and binging on) a six pack of Cara, leaving my smelly dishes on the counter and keep the curtains closed (for a week).  

Although I would like to see it otherwise, I'm not (yet) able to fly high on the clouds of unconditional love and imperturbable empathy every single moment of every single day.   

Nope, I'm just being me, rocking my best Fallible Human Mode. (Mmm... should I trademark this one?)

However hard I try to fight it, whenever I land in that place of heartbreak, in that Sound of Silence kinda mode... I tell myself it's OK to just wallow in self pity for a moment.

I tell myself I don't have to figure out this very moment that parental issue, that relationship, that future plan, that got-to-get-my-whole-life-planned-out-right-this-very-minute,....

I just try to master the moment...the day... and than try to do that the next day and the day after that and the day there after...   

If I feel sad or agitated (or feel like going Chainsaw Massacre on someone), I just try to think about something nice.  You can try it too... Like think about that dream last night, where that colleague you hardly know was breaking your back and now your face lights up like an effing lighthouse whenever you run into him visualizing 'Daddy's' King Kong.... or that extra chocolate cookie you got with your coffee the other day... yogi's choice.

I just try to force myself to think about happy stuff so much so, that at one point I hope it will just come so organically to me that when stuff gets all White Squall on me, I can feel the sun's warmth breaking through the storm and soothing my desperate skin.

Also, it is not highly recommended to flee from every situation or person in the 'this is not serving me' mindset as that would definitely enhance your chances of dying alone at the end, your decomposing body nibbled to pieces by your starved lap dog named Brutus.

It is more favourable to look the beast in its raven eyes and to tell it: we shall settle this together.
We shall settle this together with kindness, with love, with mutual respect.
We shall manage and master conflict instead of running for the hills like we are so used to doing. 

Try to think about the half dragons/half phoenixes we all are...
Think about the courage, the guts and the unstoppable strength we all harbour inside to exterminate those ugly ass roaches of issues.
(Slaying is a must as if thou shallt fail at this essential part, thou shallt keep on encountering the same issues and/or people, only now multiplied like rabbits on Viagra, transformed from roaches to Godzillas.)

Jacking up our self worth, focussing on that one good thing this shitty something or pukeable someone once did for us as well (I know it's hard, you cute little fellow haters, but come on... we can do this), to forgive, to respect and to be kind during conflicts encountered... Those are the keys to unlock the door to Swagger Enlightened.

Anyway, whatever you think, whatever you do... You do you, boo, and always try to remember one thing: that one day or that one moment doesn't define you or your life.  Read that again.

One fuck-up, being fucked up or getting fucked, does nót define you or your life experience.

This heartbreak / pickle / hurdle is nót your ever after.

You sháll overcome.
You sháll prevail my dearest sisters and brothers.

Namaste.

X

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Weary

Sometimes I feel like I can't do this anymore.  This life.  

All well and good probably when you have enough sleep, eat well, exercise,...  But honestly, which working parent is fortunate enough to benefit from these luxuries?

How can you mentally cope with difficulties at work, challenges that occur whilst trying to raise kids or people you love treating you like a disposable (eco)bag, when chronically exhausted?  

I can't.  I really can't sometimes.

And this lack of love.  This absolute lack of love.

Some people are so intensely preoccupied with themselves and so focussed on all the bad and negative in the world and in others...  So blindly involved with their own lusts and lives they don't have any eye whatsoever for the ones next to them.  They just feast on everything they can acquire whilst at the same time neglecting all the things and people that réally matter.

Not hearing anything when they pretend to listen as you try to express yourself because they just do not care about anyone else but themselves.

Some people are so lost, so disconnected from their inner compass that would lead them, if they just would want to listen, to one direction and one direction only: the path of tenderness.  

I'm just sad sometimes... and tired.  So very very sad and so so tired. 

x

Choose someone who chooses you

Every morning I start my day scrolling my Insta feed full of grand quotes and kind reminders, listening to Abraham Hicks preaching in the background.  

By times though, I stumble upon a quote of which I notice that, however representful of my previous mindset, it doesn't serve me any longer. 

Like this morning, when I was scrolling by a citation of Risingwoman.  

There's obviously no ‘one quote suits all’ with everybody being different, thinking different, walking a different path, having different experiences, … and so the one posted today:  'choose someone who chooses you'... didn't fully resonate with me.   

I used to be in a relationship with this amazing guy.  Like REALLY amazing. 

He kind…, he loving…, he caring…, he compassionate…, he like really, absolutely, legitimately incredible.  (Well... maybe not thát caring and incredible after all, but still, you get my drift.)   

I was so fiercely in love with him in the beginning, as he made me believe he lived by exactly the same values and morals as me.   

Not long after though, I saw him acting completely out of tune with the statements he made when we first met.  
This hurt me so bad, like really shredding my heart to pieces, that I was tremendously furious with him.  (Anger is nothing more than translated grieve.)

I was soooo angry with him that I could've dragged him through a field of nettles in his birthday suit or that I could've thrown him down a (marble) staircase with handcuffs on.  (You know, the usual.)

You see, from my instructed perspective, people who enter a relationship have to comply with all its institutional standards.  
They have to act like they have never been hurt before.
Like they have never built any coping mechanisms which kept them alive through the hardest psychological/physical challenges of people they trusted (which they obviously cannot unlearn a few weeks into dating you.  Hell, most people aren’t even aware they created and are acting on these self made constructions, anyway).

We all expect each other to behave according to all standard beliefs and instructions that were forced upon us by the words and behaviour of people who were hurt and disillusioned themselves. 

So when this tormented soul caused me this unbelievable pain by not living up to my expectations I forgot all about his beauty and ended up hating him.  In my opinion back than: I chose him and he didn't chose me back.  

Therefore, I blocked him, deleted every tangible memory of him, ignored every attempt of contact from his side...

Thank you, next.   

   

Fastforwarding to relentless Abrahahm Hicks listening, intense shadow work, mindful yoga, deep soul searching and spiritual expansion later, let me share this with you:

If you find yourself in a situation where you have chosen someone who hasn’t chosen you back, take your time to let it sink in and to lovingly remove yourself from the relation you have with that person.  

It is, never was and never will be, a waste of time as Risingwoman puts it. 

Never.

Ever.

Honour the experience and see it for what it is/was: a magnificent chance to gain essential insights, an amazing opportunity to win inner strength, a once in a lifetime possibility to grow as a motherfucker.   

Honour the people who did not choose you and see them for what they really are/were: your greatest teachers as your interaction with them is/was of great educational value showing you through contrast the behavioral/personality traits you really long for in a lover, in a committed relationship. 

Ask yourself how the behaviour of the other effected you the way that it did and why it did that to you.   
Ask yourself upon witnessing your pain, which parts of you are breaking and love yourself enough to figure out why that is and than lovingly tend to it.

Don’t fill your vibe with anger and resentment like I did and please do not forget to see the most beautiful things they gave you as well.  

You go get your head out of Self Pity Station and get your ass moving to build them the most exuberant shrine like EVAH! (I'm talking sizes twice the Taj Mahal here, people!)

This right here, is real strength, amigos! You taking your power back and not letting external people and/or situations mess with you vibin' (on the contrary, you changing those experencies into opportunities to reach mental Nirvana) is something extraordinary powerful!

When you decide to see the best in a person/situation, you will attract the best in other people/situations.  

Don’t block everything you are worthy of by an invisible wall of anger and/or negativity. 

Shower yourself with the awareness of all beauty and love that's constantly manifesting in front of you and clear those glass ceilings that keep you from receiving all you want and deserve.  

Now, as for a partner you would like to experience the rest of your life with:  

I can not agree with Risingwoman more.

People can say all they want but that love is a choice is not and will never be negotiable.

It's a conscious choice to dedicate yourself to respect and honour your loved one.

To respect and honour yourself.
To appreciate and accept each other's individualities and differences.
To devote yourself to figure out conflicts in a loving and honourable way.
To say 'yes' to being the person you wish you have around to share everyday lifethingies with.
To engage yourself to being the faithful and loyal rock for your most precious one, as it is you yourself that has always wished upon having that same rock in yóur life. (Something with being the change you want to see in others, you know.)

To decide to stick with it even when things get shit-smashing-into-the-fan-covering-the-whole-wide-room-in-feces-and-unbearable-smell hard.

Real and truthful love is something that is built.  Something that can only be created over time. 
Time of getting to know and to having experienced the whole spectrum of your partner’s personality.

Time of personal and mutual challenges that you have experienced and have overcome together.  

Sincere love is there where there’s total and unconditional acceptance of each other.

True love is there where reverence reigns. 

Real love is choosing for someone.  Deliberately making the choice to dedicate yourself for ever and beyond to be the best person you can be for your significant other and to try to abstain from everything that you know is perceived as hurtful by her (or him), every single second of every single day again and again and again.

A trial and error process, yes, but because of that even more so an amazingly pain and gain one.

Therefore, I kindly invite you, if your're going for eternal, do choose someone who chooses you. 

x

Re-enactment

The other day, whilst hurringly grocery shopping with my two precious ones mooching behind me, my boy asked me to buy him this little cactus plant.

 

I snarled at him: ‘No!’ trying to get our necessities without calamities. 

(Fellow hustling parents surely get my drift, like trying to get veggies from the refrigerator when one kid is eating all the grapes from the fruit aisle and the other is drinking and spilling milk all over the floor of the shop because of a severe sorry-mom-but-I-REALLY-REALLY-REALLY-had-to-drink-immediately-or-I-would’ve-died-instantly-even-though-I-just-had-juice-5-minutes-ago whilst in the meantime uttering the most lovely exclamations when I try to reprimand them like: ‘FUCK YOU, MOM, I REALLY HATE YOU, MOM,  YOU NEVER LET US HAVE ANYTHING, MOM,…)  

My refusal of his desire to acquire the cactus obviously upset my kid.   

Now, never letting any opportunity go by to expand my spiritual and intellectual horizon (let’s all be like me and fuck things up all the time so you are never NOT learning) I let my son’s disappointment pauze me in my preoccupation of getting us out of the store with groceries and without any fatalities.

I stopped myself for a minute and overthought the spontaneous ‘nay’ I gave my son.

I never thought about questioning the many ideas and reactions which we think are our own until that point…

About how many of our opinions and (pre)conceptions are really, genuinly ours?

That if pedagogical science learns us that the best way to educate our children is to lead by example, than why did I not ask myself earlier: how many of our 'own' feelings and beliefs can we actually call 'ours'...

After all, aren't we all someone’s children ourselves?

Therefore, are we really thinking and experiencing for ourselves or are we just repeating?

I was stressed so I growled as I used to witness my mom, always stressing, always growling. 

I thought I couldn’t give in to my dearest one as I was drilled to learn that kids can not always get what they want.  My mom never gave in to us as kids as we ‘needed to learn we can not always get what we want’.

I’m so desperately trying to heal and change the world by fiercely trying to love the ones next to me, hoping that they, at their turn, will pay it forward to the ones nearby them but what good does it do when I’m letting the ones closest to me see me to continuously growl, to stress, to have feelings of deprivation, to feel negative…  other than to maintain the current trend of global dissatisfaction/unhappiness.   

We take our actions, words and emotions every single day out of a mold made of behaviour, feelings and thinking patterns taught to us by our parents, experienced by us through friends, seen in society….

The same like when I'm seeing people I interact with behave a certain kind of way. 

If I feel hurt by something they do or say, does this upset me because I authentically think it's upsetting or is it just because I've 'learned' that that specific kind of actions or words are defined as wrong.

So I tried to backtrack my earlier feelings, trying to tap into what I, independent of others’ indoctrinations, thought about the situation.

I went to check the price of the little product of nature.  It only costed 2 EURO, so it was not like my son was asking me for a Shenzhen Nongke Orchid of 200,000 USD.

I came to the realisation that my OWN belief is that the path to happiness is the continuous giving in to that what feels good.  To all that what is beneficial to the body, to the mind and healing for our spirit.

Denying my kid something I can more than easily afford, growling at him like we needed to get out of the store like ISIS would enter every minute to kill us all in there, is NOT acting on any of my true and genuine convictions.

So I think that today would be a perfect day to start stripping myself. 

To get stark-naked and undo myself of all the biased opinions I’m aware I have of everything and everyone and to try to unravel the ones I’m still unconscious of.  

And so it has come upon me, the time for some serious self reflection.

The time has come for some serious tabula rasa.

X