Critic

If your lungs
would still
be filled
with
reddish veins
I'm sure
you would
loathe
the words
on my
computer screen

I'll take that
as a compliment
because
loads of people
didn't like you
as well

Don't be mistaken
I bore myself too
with my heart's pourings,
my inner
gushings,
my core's letters
into
useless sentences,
pure senselessness

Fortunately,
I am not
too fussed
about the critics
I even revel in
the importance
they see within
their biased opinions

It entertains me much
how most reviewers
are
master illusionists
their delusions
conjuring superiority

We are the raw,
the non decorated,
the sufferers
from
unbearable futility,
from
the idleness
of we existing,
like cuddly bears
stuffed
by acts and thoughts
we do and think
to kill time
until we're sewn up
by the needle
of the grim reeper
wishing
for the stitching
not to hurt too much

Maybe that's why
I can appreciate
even the tiniest of flies
we are all here
to survive and to try
and how one
gives meaning
to the meaningless
deserves awe
it can not be any other way
for me

Or at least I pretend to

MotherHustler

Jane

When I read Remains
of my dead best friend,
who gives me a home
with his books
but he doesn't know that,
no,
he's dead,
my heart mourns a piece
lost where the words cut
too deep
I am dead too, you see
but blind are they
as I give so warmly
where that comes from
for me too a mystery

A love selfless
I can imagine
but I can not believe
in its existence

Every time
I read Remains
every word a sting
of the cut of the knife of the word
and still
it's impossible
for me to believe in
I think for
every time
something alike
got close to me
it was like
I was handed over
a magic and restorative potion
and when I
wanted to sip
they
brutally slammed it
out of my hands
than I would watch
the fluid dripping off
the broken shards
and every time
I would try to
lick them clean
to try and get
a single drop
for at least
one of my wounds could heal
my soul got cut

So now I'm blisfully blunt
and the incisions in my body,
the cuts into my flesh
tell me
that if Jane
would be alive still
Charles
would have loved her less

MotherHustler

Cray Cray

He said he wanted to take all of me
but than he didn't
I think he underestimated my level of crazy

What does 'crazy' actually mean
when I am mostly judged by mediocre people
I find myself quite boring and uninteresting even
Actually, now I come to think of it
it looks to me
that it's actually the plain
who are mentally disabled

MotherHustler

Senseless

Last year
three
different men
told me
I was
beautiful

That year
is gone now
and I'm
by myself
still

Which is fine
I guess
because I
don't think
I will ever
be able
to control
the mess
my mind
makes
when a man
gives notion
of his emotion

Love
makes
a fool
out of
my senses
it renders
my sanity
just utterly
defenseless

MotherHustler

Absurd

How does one know
that love is true
don't you think
there's more
than one person
for you

Also
do you need someone
really
to be your rock
on the daily
for
how
could you
ever expect
that someone,
who was
totally different
wrecked,
by nature
and nurture,
could ever
become
your
significant other

Aren't
we all
better off
to annoy
and love
ourselves
instead

to take
ourselves
to bed
where lust
that lingers
can be
safely
satisfied
with fist
and/or fingers

MotherHustler

Joke

"You make

men think

you are easy"

'That's perfectly fine'

I said

they can even think

there's no one

even more sleazy

than I 

because 

the time

I cared about

what men
thought

the whole 

of my being

almost died
from drought 

If you'd like

to typecast me

just because

I have 

my mind

finally freed

than you 

are more 

than welcome to

but do take

into consideration

you might have

bitten off

more  

than you 

can chew

MotherHustler

Sober

I don't know
how I survived
the things
I went through
in life
sober

The older
I get
the clearer
the sun sets
Obedience
to archaic
ethics
long
over

I just
can't believe
I never
took the pills
or the alcohol
from excessive
beers
to
daze myself
just like
most
of my peers
do


MotherHustler

Jill

We have
been
friends
forever
and today
I realised
that you
don't
truly
know
any one
ever
as
during my
self
demeaning
rants
the love
that spoke
from your
tone
gave me
a panoramic
scope
and ice
was no longer
ice
it was
water

Water
that is
principal
for the
flowers
and the petals
and the bees
within
to continue
them

Today
I saw
and I felt
the ice
thaw

You did that.

I love you.

MotherHustler

Fraud

I'm a fraud

not one
of my
thoughts
are any
like
I would
wish

I would
like
to be
a wolf
but I'm not

I'm in a bowl
swimming rounds
I'm a
goldfish
circling away
looking through
walls of glass
at the world
trying to
make sense
of the
senseless

Thinking
I'm gold
but when
a look
is closer
hold
I'm really
not
much more
than a
boring
maelstrom whore

MotherHustler

Watch

You called me
'McGyver'
but truth
was
that I
only knew
what to do
because of
the hours spent
at the fitness
during daytime
where I
often witness
a lot of
B-movies
aired at
midday
One of them
showing a scene
that in hindsight
gave away
what to do
when you have
no clue
of how to
get rid
of humid
in your watch
when you
go swimming
just to
look at
other women
Luckily
you had me,
your girl,
naive,
who spends
her time
at the fitness
watching
B-movies
that give away
how to get rid
of humid
strayed
into
a watch
when one
goes swimming
just to
look at
other women

MotherHustler

Bukowski

At 10 PM
sitting on
my
thrift shop chair
unintentionally
devouring
Bukowski
when first
standing
in my 70's
outbuilt kitchen
with fluorescent light
shining
as accidentally
on
my painted hair

I actually
wanted to go
to bed
when I opened
the cardboard
I thought
a sticker held
for my son's
wall
which he broke
when he tried
to stand tall
before me,
his mommy,
who had accused him
falsely

Instead
it carried
two books
I ordered
of writers
already dead

I opened
both of them
reading
the words
printed
on dead stem

I was standing
because I really
wanted to go
to bed
than, curiosity,
took overhand

I was standing
now I'm sitting
letting
Bukowski's poetry
hit me

Rain and wind
raging
over the roof
against the bricks
of my 70's
outbuilt kitchen
I put the book down
and find myself thinking:
What would Charles feel
if he would see this girl
with no balls like him
made of steel
page turning his work
realising
she's
even more
stuck
now she has tasted
how awfully dull
her being is wasted

MotherHustler

I wish

I wish
my heart
would be
more simple
that the love
it feels
at the start
could
later on
be
rekindled

I wish
conveying to
the norm
wouldn't be
so hard
I wish
that life
would've left me
a little less
scarred

I wish
my courage
would be
far greater
my boundaries
less calculated
my thoughts
less complicated

I wish
my feelings
were
not so deep
my heights
less roaring
my depths
less steep

I wish
I wish
but
reality is
all these
inclinations
would kill
the genuine
truth
I hold
within

MotherHustler

Revolt

Your look
is glistening
with
closed eyes
I am listening
Your voice
is muted
still I see,
diluted,
the key
to truths
and stories
fairylike
Greek
mythologies

The whole
of my life
a question mark
With doubt
I stride
through
the sightings
of life
my only grip
the authorship
of writings
postmarked
by the lightening
of heart

Your look
is glistening
with
closed eyes
I am listening
to a path
unfolding
no more
secrets
it's holding

In your gaze
I feel like
the core
is precised,
love
is life sized
and
narration
revolutionized

MotherHustler

Candid

Very much
obliged to
estranged
expectancies
restrains me
very hard
every day
to obey
my tendencies

We
all know
life has
its own way
and that
tomorrow is
not granted
so
the challenge
does remain:
shall I
keep doing
what others say
or shall I,
for once,
live a life
more candid

MotherHustler

Hello, it's me.

Ok.  So.  I just can't wrap my head around everything that is going on nowadays.

Like, at times where the food was wholesome, soil was not polluted, air was still fresh, people had life expectancies of (only) 40 years. (If they were not brutally murdered that is, as politics were pretty lawless back than (not more than they are today obviously but the cruelty of politicians today are more subtle and go by mostly unnoticed by us priviliged, white, Iphone loving, heterosexuals.))
This day and age however, where everything is poisonous, we live to be a hundred albeit in a constant mindset of near apocalypse physically as well as mentally.

I look outside and in and everything seems to be so simple, yet it proves to be all so hard.

The constant reaching for balance is so damn hard if you want to respect others, organisms, yourself,...  I want to honour myself but I can't seem to succeed as honouring myself is honouring others and the environment and I dón't honour others and the environment as I'm taking my car everyday to a job instead of living on a self-sustaining animal shelter farm and as with taking a stand for myself I also hurt other individuals sometimes which is also disconcerning to me as the least I want to do is to make people uncomfortable which actually means I hold others' feelings and opinions higher than my own, which obviously is detrimental for my own image and appreciation of self.  Sigh.
I want to live a lifestyle which is kind to our planet yet I've proven to be unable to resist the capitalistic lure.... I want to speak up about all injustices that are happening all over the world but I feel guilty about not researching enough in order for me to know of ALL injustices... Like the war in Syria is utterly heart wrenching but I'm sure there are wars elsewhere evenly appalling for that matter.  I want to help desperately but what do I do instead? I just order another book online in the safe surroundings of my home.  I want to educate myself and I want to know everything there is to know about all philosophies, all politics, all art,... but than I think what's the use as the human race, the human psyche, is just here as a result of a coincidental assembly of events so all our sub cultural habits and heritages just don't mean anything if you look up to the perpetual galaxy where we literally disappear in.

I want to live my dream of expressing myself creatively every day and getting credit for that but I'm not digging into the depths of my abilities as I'm addicted to movies and docu's about/of other creative artists instead of dedicating that time to my own expressions and I also can't seem to shake off all beliefs and dogma's, that I've come to find, hinder my potential.

The same beliefs and dogma's and indoctrinations that keep me from being the mom I want to be.  Whenever I get tired or a little upset I WANT to calm down and take a few minutes before I act but I don't and find myself shouting every harsh and bitter word my mother ever said to me...  The same words that broke me, the same words which were so deeply catapulted into my brain that made me the uncredited person I am today.

I want to live healthy but what does it mean to have a healthy diet when I'm over sensitive, over thinking everything and disillusioned all the time.  I guess cortisol will harm my DNA much worse than some excess sweets or lack of sports.
What does it mean to live healthy when I have breast cancer genetics?
What does it mean to eat healthy if I buy nutritious foods in plastics that kill so many creatures in our oceans?  To eat 'super foods' which came here by aviation, a business partly responsible for the demise of our planet.
What does it mean if I, as an individual, minimize my own waste and bend backwards to try and help prevent earth's 6th mass extinction if most pollution is caused by only a few industries that politics refuse to shut down because of their insatiable thirst for money anyway?
Devastated how Homo Sapiens are killing the planet but than also contemplating how we are nature's own creation so doesn't that mean that our planet is just killing itself and therefore is it OK for me to eradicate the consuming guilt I feel?
I want to be loved and accepted unconditionally yet I'm setting all these conditions for others.
I want my friends to have substantial content to convey yet I hear myself babbling on sometimes about things that have no depth whatsoever.
I judge people on what I think they should or shouldn't do whilst who da fok am I to even THINK I'm allowed to do that... Acting all 'chief judge' on all beings whilst I have done some more than questionable things myself.
I give tough love to all my howling, heart broken friends when I, myself, am on a constant search for a pair of arms to hold me forever.
I preach to my daughter and her girlfriends that they are pretty just the way they are whilst I'm in the shower shaving and picking out a dress that accentuates my legs...
I'm so confused by times.  Too confused.  Sometimes I find my happiness in being in my little mini garden with my kids just laughing and hugging but how shallow that happiness is when you know these little gorgeous people will get their hearts broken one day and there will be nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to less or erase that pain.  You know you are going to suffer because they will be suffering and your words and deeds will prove to be totally helpless.  You know you're going to suffer as people will be genetically altered or advanced in the future and what if my offspring might not have the financial means to jump on that train.
I grief my great grandchildren who need to leave this dead planet but don't have the money or connections to get a seat on the Let's-Branch-Out-Our-Destructive-Ways Spaceship.  I worry for them succumbing to thirst because of an umteenth natural crisis...  What if they won't have the money to buy potable water?

What good is that temporary little shallow joy in our backyard as you know World War II atrocities, which we are still crying over today, are still very much alive and happening only a few thousand kilometers away...  It's all so very much confusing and it constantly gives me the feeling of being not good enough.  Of being not good enough for my family and friends, not good enough to all species, not good enough to our planet, not good enough to myself.

I just don't know sometimes.  I just know how extremely inept I am.

MotherHustler

Vincent

Out there displaying

the opposite

of what is playing 

inside

So as a magnet

you're attracting

lifeless creatures

human dyed 

you, the lawyer,

appeal for me

to be 

your counselor

seeking my advice

and although

it is my honour

it comes

with a price:

you'd have to stop 

trying to be

To attract the top

there's nothing left

but Authenticity

MotherHustler