Ok. So. I just can't wrap my head around everything that is going on nowadays.
Like, at times where the food was wholesome, soil was not polluted, air was still fresh, people had life expectancies of (only) 40 years. (If they were not brutally murdered that is, as politics were pretty lawless back than (not more than they are today obviously but the cruelty of politicians today are more subtle and go by mostly unnoticed by us priviliged, white, Iphone loving, heterosexuals.))
This day and age however, where everything is poisonous, we live to be a hundred albeit in a constant mindset of near apocalypse physically as well as mentally.
This day and age however, where everything is poisonous, we live to be a hundred albeit in a constant mindset of near apocalypse physically as well as mentally.
I look outside and in and everything seems to be so simple, yet it proves to be all so hard.
The constant reaching for balance is so damn hard if you want to respect others, organisms, yourself,... I want to honour myself but I can't seem to succeed as honouring myself is honouring others and the environment and I dón't honour others and the environment as I'm taking my car everyday to a job instead of living on a self-sustaining animal shelter farm and as with taking a stand for myself I also hurt other individuals sometimes which is also disconcerning to me as the least I want to do is to make people uncomfortable which actually means I hold others' feelings and opinions higher than my own, which obviously is detrimental for my own image and appreciation of self. Sigh.
I want to live a lifestyle which is kind to our planet yet I've proven to be unable to resist the capitalistic lure.... I want to speak up about all injustices that are happening all over the world but I feel guilty about not researching enough in order for me to know of ALL injustices... Like the war in Syria is utterly heart wrenching but I'm sure there are wars elsewhere evenly appalling for that matter. I want to help desperately but what do I do instead? I just order another book online in the safe surroundings of my home. I want to educate myself and I want to know everything there is to know about all philosophies, all politics, all art,... but than I think what's the use as the human race, the human psyche, is just here as a result of a coincidental assembly of events so all our sub cultural habits and heritages just don't mean anything if you look up to the perpetual galaxy where we literally disappear in.
I want to live a lifestyle which is kind to our planet yet I've proven to be unable to resist the capitalistic lure.... I want to speak up about all injustices that are happening all over the world but I feel guilty about not researching enough in order for me to know of ALL injustices... Like the war in Syria is utterly heart wrenching but I'm sure there are wars elsewhere evenly appalling for that matter. I want to help desperately but what do I do instead? I just order another book online in the safe surroundings of my home. I want to educate myself and I want to know everything there is to know about all philosophies, all politics, all art,... but than I think what's the use as the human race, the human psyche, is just here as a result of a coincidental assembly of events so all our sub cultural habits and heritages just don't mean anything if you look up to the perpetual galaxy where we literally disappear in.
I want to live my dream of expressing myself creatively every day and getting credit for that but I'm not digging into the depths of my abilities as I'm addicted to movies and docu's about/of other creative artists instead of dedicating that time to my own expressions and I also can't seem to shake off all beliefs and dogma's, that I've come to find, hinder my potential.
The same beliefs and dogma's and indoctrinations that keep me from being the mom I want to be. Whenever I get tired or a little upset I WANT to calm down and take a few minutes before I act but I don't and find myself shouting every harsh and bitter word my mother ever said to me... The same words that broke me, the same words which were so deeply catapulted into my brain that made me the uncredited person I am today.
I want to live healthy but what does it mean to have a healthy diet when I'm over sensitive, over thinking everything and disillusioned all the time. I guess cortisol will harm my DNA much worse than some excess sweets or lack of sports.
What does it mean to live healthy when I have breast cancer genetics?
What does it mean to eat healthy if I buy nutritious foods in plastics that kill so many creatures in our oceans? To eat 'super foods' which came here by aviation, a business partly responsible for the demise of our planet.
What does it mean if I, as an individual, minimize my own waste and bend backwards to try and help prevent earth's 6th mass extinction if most pollution is caused by only a few industries that politics refuse to shut down because of their insatiable thirst for money anyway?
Devastated how Homo Sapiens are killing the planet but than also contemplating how we are nature's own creation so doesn't that mean that our planet is just killing itself and therefore is it OK for me to eradicate the consuming guilt I feel?
I want to be loved and accepted unconditionally yet I'm setting all these conditions for others.
I want my friends to have substantial content to convey yet I hear myself babbling on sometimes about things that have no depth whatsoever.
I judge people on what I think they should or shouldn't do whilst who da fok am I to even THINK I'm allowed to do that... Acting all 'chief judge' on all beings whilst I have done some more than questionable things myself.
I give tough love to all my howling, heart broken friends when I, myself, am on a constant search for a pair of arms to hold me forever.
I preach to my daughter and her girlfriends that they are pretty just the way they are whilst I'm in the shower shaving and picking out a dress that accentuates my legs...
I'm so confused by times. Too confused. Sometimes I find my happiness in being in my little mini garden with my kids just laughing and hugging but how shallow that happiness is when you know these little gorgeous people will get their hearts broken one day and there will be nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to less or erase that pain. You know you are going to suffer because they will be suffering and your words and deeds will prove to be totally helpless. You know you're going to suffer as people will be genetically altered or advanced in the future and what if my offspring might not have the financial means to jump on that train.
I grief my great grandchildren who need to leave this dead planet but don't have the money or connections to get a seat on the Let's-Branch-Out-Our-Destructive-Ways Spaceship. I worry for them succumbing to thirst because of an umteenth natural crisis... What if they won't have the money to buy potable water?
What does it mean to live healthy when I have breast cancer genetics?
What does it mean to eat healthy if I buy nutritious foods in plastics that kill so many creatures in our oceans? To eat 'super foods' which came here by aviation, a business partly responsible for the demise of our planet.
What does it mean if I, as an individual, minimize my own waste and bend backwards to try and help prevent earth's 6th mass extinction if most pollution is caused by only a few industries that politics refuse to shut down because of their insatiable thirst for money anyway?
Devastated how Homo Sapiens are killing the planet but than also contemplating how we are nature's own creation so doesn't that mean that our planet is just killing itself and therefore is it OK for me to eradicate the consuming guilt I feel?
I want to be loved and accepted unconditionally yet I'm setting all these conditions for others.
I want my friends to have substantial content to convey yet I hear myself babbling on sometimes about things that have no depth whatsoever.
I judge people on what I think they should or shouldn't do whilst who da fok am I to even THINK I'm allowed to do that... Acting all 'chief judge' on all beings whilst I have done some more than questionable things myself.
I give tough love to all my howling, heart broken friends when I, myself, am on a constant search for a pair of arms to hold me forever.
I preach to my daughter and her girlfriends that they are pretty just the way they are whilst I'm in the shower shaving and picking out a dress that accentuates my legs...
I'm so confused by times. Too confused. Sometimes I find my happiness in being in my little mini garden with my kids just laughing and hugging but how shallow that happiness is when you know these little gorgeous people will get their hearts broken one day and there will be nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to less or erase that pain. You know you are going to suffer because they will be suffering and your words and deeds will prove to be totally helpless. You know you're going to suffer as people will be genetically altered or advanced in the future and what if my offspring might not have the financial means to jump on that train.
I grief my great grandchildren who need to leave this dead planet but don't have the money or connections to get a seat on the Let's-Branch-Out-Our-Destructive-Ways Spaceship. I worry for them succumbing to thirst because of an umteenth natural crisis... What if they won't have the money to buy potable water?
What good is that temporary little shallow joy in our backyard as you know World War II atrocities, which we are still crying over today, are still very much alive and happening only a few thousand kilometers away... It's all so very much confusing and it constantly gives me the feeling of being not good enough. Of being not good enough for my family and friends, not good enough to all species, not good enough to our planet, not good enough to myself.
I just don't know sometimes. I just know how extremely inept I am.
MotherHustler
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