The tragic incompatibility between men and (strong, intellectual and independent) women

Is there love without complete submission and loss of identity?
Is freedom really worth the loneliness that pays for it?
Judith Thurman
Cheri and The Last of Cheri by Colette

Liefde

Ik heb hier eigenlijk geen tijd voor, moest eigenlijk weeral lang vertrokken zijn (sorry bestiiiiieeee, love you!) maar ik wil het toch even getypet hebben.

Bijna 5 jaar lang heb ik in de loopgraven van het leven gezeten en dat maakte me moe, om maar niet te zeggen uitgeput.  Heel mijn leven al maar especially de laatste 5 jaar waren een echt battlefield waarop ik gestreden heb voor mijn gelijk, voor mijn geluk, voor het geluk en gelijk van anderen.

Ik ben daar echt doodmoe van geworden.  

De modder is eindelijk wat gaan liggen nu en de rook begint te verdwijnen en eindelijk ben ik in staat om terug wat liefde en empathie te voelen voor de mensen in mijn leven of die in mijn leven geweest zijn.

Ik hoef niet persé mijn gelijk meer te halen en ja ik heb gevochten en soms verloren maar misschien vocht ik ook niet met de meest geschikte wapens.  Very much caught up in mijn eigen idealen en overtuigingen zodat ik soms de andere niet meer kon zien.  Ik verweet mensen dingen waar ik zelf nog zoveel werk aan had.  

Ik weet niet waarom maar vandaag voel ik me zoveel rustiger en zie ik zoveel schoonheid in mijn wereld en voel ik zoveel liefde van mensen die ik heb gekend en ken.  Ik kan niet zeggen dat ik spijt heb van hoe ik soms zo tekortschoot omdat ik, net zoals iedereen, mijn uiterste best deed binnen de grenzen van mijn emotionele / fysieke en rationele mogelijkheden die ik had op dat moment.

Ookal zou ik het willen, ik had het gewoon niet anders kunnen doen.  Vaak heb ik genomen like a greedy lil' woman maar tegelijkertijd heb ik ook stukken van mijn hart en ziel rondgedeeld alsof ik er miljoenen van had.

Ik ben heel erg gekwetst geweest en ben soms gestorven van verdriet maar tijdens mijn Rise-Like-A-Phoenix moments heb ik beseft dat er heel veel aan mezelf te wijten was en dat de mensen die me pijn gedaan hebben niet mijn vijanden zijn maar eigenlijk spiegels die me confronteerden met zaken gewoon om me te doen leren en beter te maken.  Hoe kan ik mensen haten die me door indirecte confrontatie met mezelf me enkel mooier gemaakt hebben? Nog zachter, nog begripvoller, nog liever, ...  Pas op, de Spaanse Furie Heks die ik soms ben komt onvermijdelijk af en toe nog wel eens boven maar ze neemt ook steeds sneller en sneller haar bezem.

Geen idee waarom maar ik ben echt zo optimistisch vandaag en ik denk enkel nog aan hoeveel liefde en schoonheid ik tot nu toe al heb mogen ontvangen en ben daar so damn grateful om.  (Misschien J Cole's 'Love Yourz' dat voortdurend op repeat staat?)

Ik heb geen behoefte en absoluut geen zin meer om obsessief de dingen te proberen controleren die me misschien, éventueel gelukkig zouden kunnen maken.  Ik heb elke dag meer en meer zin om me te focussen op die ontelbare dingen en mensen die mij vandaag zoveel joy and happiness brengen.   

Ik was altijd op zoek naar liefde maar ik besef nu meer en meer dat liefde overal is als je het gewoon maar wilt zien.  Liefde is ook niet altijd verpakt in het cadeaupapier van ons concept dus we zien het niet altijd maar als we zelf een beetje meer liefde voor de ander zouden hebben zouden we het wel herkennen als het ons gegeven wordt.   

We moeten gewoon onze ogen willen opendoen en bovenal: het willen aanvaarden ook.  Want soms strugglen we zo hard om onszelf graag te zien dat we niet kunnen/willen zien dat anderen wél van ons houden. 

Ik weet het, 't is echt een super cliché tekst wat ik net schreef, very laaaaaaaaame en cheesy met nog meer cliché inhoud maar I just felt it, ya know?

En nu moek echt vertrekken of kben zooooooooooveel te laat dat de liefde alsnog ver te zoeken zal zijn vandaag :)

Peace and loooooooaaaads of love, y'all!

MotherHustler

Exposing the Ingrained

I faked it so many of times
it helped me to get it made
but to constantly try controlling tides
wears me out and makes the core of the matter fade

It's a tough code to crack
exposing the ingrained
the truth wanting to come back
intrinsic values acclaimed

So I'm trying again to revisit the places
where I last flowed with love
to no longer analyse life's races
to be the girl again my dad wrote songs of

to be anew that little kid with the eternal smile
that lightened up her grandmother's day
that loved and cared for others in unseen style
that encountered love, made it feel welcome and invited it to stay.

MotherHustler

Pantser

Altijd hard zijn en stoer doen
want je kan mensen toch onmogelijk laten zien
dat ze je raken en ontroeren
en ze zo dus laten kijken in je ziel

Ik ben niet anders maar heb moeten beschouwen
en muren gesloopt wil ik het je hebben gezegd
dat ik je mis en voor altijd van je zal houden
en ondanks je deze tekst nooit zal aanschouwen
heb ik dan toch voor één keer mijn pantser afgezet.

MotherHustler

Holy Mediocrity

I am a mediocre girl,
with a little bit of talent
slightly taller than most
full of ideas that could use a patent

alas constrained by imbedded myths
I do live every day
desiring unattained bliss
in a very socially accepted way.

MotherHustler

Lood en Glas

Er gaat veel verloren in eindeloos gepraat
liefde kan je enkel voelen
en wanneer alles uitdraait op haat
luister dan wat het hart wilt bedoelen

Vergeet even wat je dacht te weten
en te weten wat je dacht
neem haar vast en begin te vergeten
alles wat je verder van haar bracht

De mythen die je naleeft zijn enkel geschreven
door geillusioneerden, zombies door geld en macht
het doet je negeren wat écht is in het leven,
licht bestaat niet meer, alle kleuren worden zwart

Ook ik kan me er soms toe laten verleiden
door schimmen het bos door de bomen niet meer te zien
maar de troost van je huid doet al mijn angsten wegglijden
en loze woorden getijen maar kunnen niet langer verhelpen
dat wanneer we als lood en glas samensmelten
we zuiver als kristal spreken tot elkaars ziel.

MotherHustler

Friend Request 1

Je zei dat je vrienden wou blijven
ik heb me lang afgevraagd waarom
voor de interessante gesprekken die ik uit fantasieën bijeen moest rijven?
Ontmantelde utopieën ontkrachtten de fundering van het vriendschapdom.

De droom van een knop die smacht te zijn een bloem
het verlangen naar de bedwelming van florale geuren
Het weerhoudt de mens maar even van het Scenario Doem
want dát wat je beslist zal ook zo gebeuren.

MotherHustler

Friend Request 2

Ik ben een ruwe cactus, mijn suikerzoet fruit verstopt achter doornen
geen wonder dus dat het gefluister van ogenschijnlijk zachte bloemen
jou geheel onoverdacht mijn authenticiteit heeft doen honen
maar De Storm van de Angst zal ooit de grond omwoelen
en de orkaan die Het Leven heet zal kruipen tot onder je huid
je zal schreeuwen om hulp zonder veel woorden
en ik die jou kon horen zonder ook maar één geluid
ben je dan al lang door jouw smaad verloren
misschien dat je dan pas zal beseffen
met alle gevolgen van dien
weg zijn de 'zachte' flora met hun adviserende praatjes
die je enkel het luchtkasteel spiegelden dat je wóu zien.

MotherHustler

Little Accident

I don't know about you all, but for me, going to work every day and to single handedly take care of two kiddo's who are like 4 going on 14 and 6 going on 26, is like sheer exhaustion to me.

Might have said this before but my days are spent looking like Morticia dressed as Beetlejuice and chanelling the leftover crums of my energy towards the abstenance of highly craved Vodka Xanax cocktails.

Thought the other day to give myself a break and to go to an indoor playground with the kids this time.  Me sipping on a trillion of coffees whilst my little treasures break down the premises and nót our house for a change... Life could be worse.

Fact is that I'm a highly sensitive empath so after 4 hours being around all those other screeching, fighting and howling kids (of doom) I was totally worn down by the time my daughter asked me to go on the slide with her.

Impossible to refuse those pleading brown puppy eyes (I tell you, it's easier to refuse Jack The Ripper to kill you than to deny those sweet yearning eyes) I dragged my Morticia/Beetlejuice ass behind her and went up the stairs to the slide ignoring the sign that said you have to take your shoes off coz' I was just. Too. Damn. Tired. 

Kind of awkward being the only adult going on a slide for 4 year olds but surely I'd be on and off that thing in no time so no actual other adult there would be able to see and/or ridicule me. 

Now, you can take that 'in no time' quite literally as my daughter and I were going off it like an effing Usain Bolt on tracks. In order to not flip over the poor kid in front of us, I had to slow down FAST, so Miss Congeniality over here couldn't think of anything better to do than bending her knee sideways to put one foot on the side of the slide.

Because of the fact I'd kept my shoes on my foot wasn't moving at all from the side so my thigh bone dived straight under my stagnant knee bone, making a crack I still hear in my nightmares to this day.  When my foot finally loosened I found myself at the end of the slide, almost fainting for 10 minutes from the excrutiating pain whilst in the meantime suffocating from all the hugs and kisses of the sweetest little ones who wanted to make me feel better.

Small detail: by now ALL adults had noticed me.

Other small detail: with ány other shoe my foot would've probably slid down together with the rest of my body and I would've ended up just fine but noooooooooooooooo, no ma'm, I réally needed to wear my VANS that day, you know, THE shoe renowned for its waffle outsoles made of a rubber for extreme grip and support.  Read: EXTREME GRIP and support.  

I don't remember too much of what happened afterwards but I ended up at the ER with what turned out to be a ripped lateral collateral ligament.

Now I have to rest, rest, rest and rest, a luxury only reserved for the childless, the lottery winners and the dead, so my knee does not seem to cure all that well....

And thus, chances are that in ten years from now, I'll go on a hike, taking it slow because of the knee injury I once suffered.

My fellow hikers will ask me: 'Oh, a knee injury, that's too bad, how did it happen?'

Me (casually): 'Oh, you know, because of an incident I once had on a slide at an indoor playground.'

Them: 'Oh, that's a shame! How old were you when it happened?  Like six?

Me (dying): 'No, thírty six.'

That's all folks!

X

White Privilege

Ik voelde me zo verheven
hoog boven het politieke debat
omdat een mens met zeker verstand gegeven
toch zo die verborgen agenda's doorhad?

Het migrantentopic is heus alleen maar schijn
voor zij die enkel op macht en geld berust zijn
ik wou me dus niet in de discussie mengen
idioten zijn toch niet op andere gedachten te brengen

Toen hoorde ik de allerliefste van heel de wereld
me vertellen hoe haar hart verdriet uitprevelt
verslikkend in mijn tranen besefte ik toen pas
dat de keuze om wel of niet te reageren mijn 'wit privilege' was.

MotherHustler

Zonder Titel

"Je had het kunnen weten"
dat is wat iedereen tegen me zei
maar als ik het nooit heb gekregen
hoe kon ik dan weten wat liefde was voor mij?

Een bloemetje geplukt wou naar mama worden gebracht
maar nergens was iemand te bespeuren
lichtjes in de ogen werden door tranen versmacht
haar rozenrode hartje begon te verkleuren

Gewend om het altijd aan iedereen te geven
haar van-geen-kwaad-bewuste-kleine-meisjes-hart
iedereen kon altijd alles uit haar nemen
hoewel liefde voor haar wél aan voorwaarden werd gehard

Zo zou je kunnen denken dat ze in de wieg reeds heeft geleerd
dat ondanks je sommigen heel je lichaam en heel je ziel geeft
je toch zonder stop door hen zal worden afgewezen
waardoor je arrogantie en onwetendheid haar nu zelfvoldaan de les lezen
ze zeggen haar onbedachte dingen zoals dom en krankzinnig wicht
dat een hart duizend maal groter dan het jouwe opnieuw voor De Nodige was gezwicht
kun je dan niet zien dat ze enkel maar zocht naar iets van vuur om haar te verwarmen
dus stop met preken en neem haar alsjeblieft in jouw lang verlangde armen.

MotherHustler

Geluk

Bliksemschicht wit op fuchsia roos...
...een vederlicht pluimpje draaiend in een windhoos

Het diepe blauw door schitter van goud gebroken
geluk kent geen prijs maar heb het toch kunnen kopen.

MotherHustler

Reflect

Het is niet makkelijk te leven
binnen de staven van de maat
licht door een zwart gat verdwenen
je wordt wat de wereld van je maakt

Vergeefs de zeldzame engel die passeert
met haar gouden, honingkleurige gloed
die jouw onmetelijke schoonheid vereert
de luiken van jouw kamers weer opendoet

Ongeacht zij je draagt in haar troostende armen
zij je lieflijk streelt als een veertje over je gezicht
overheersende fantomen laten niets je hart verwarmen
voor Koning Hades wordt in geen tijd weer gezwicht

Geen tast of wezen dat je verdriet kan laten wijken
wanneer je weigert je reflectie te zien in het glas
je moet je ziel in de ogen durven te kijken
gaan voor wat kan en niet voor wat was.

MotherHustler

Diogenes

Wandering in between spirits

nothing is sensed but dark

true warmth only radiated by misfits

who never judge those who step on their lark

Since they've been unwillingly stripped 

of all that's perceived loving and kind

they've been ravaged when they were kid

but still ended up with the most beautiful of mind 

They ripened outside the Cages of Construct

never scarred by the lashes of preconcept

ignoring counterfeit is their conduct

that what's inside is that what's percept

I always felt kind of lonesome

like Diogenes flashing my light

no kindred soul, no connection

but amongst my darling misfits, I finally have one in sight.  

MotherHustler

(Levens)Verhaal

Allen gaan wij in het leven op zoek

naar inhoud voor de lege pagina's in ons boek

voor ideëen grijpen we vaak terug naar vorige paragrafen

trouw blijvend aan de thema's die daarin liggen begraven

Willen we echter vernieuwend wezen

kunnen we best andere literatuur beginnen lezen
neergepend door de meest inspirerende geesten

ons met hun inkt loodsend doorheen onze queeste

dit confronteert met de vergankelijkheid van het verleden

met de irrelevantie van alle ervaringen voorheen geleden

de waas rond onze overtuigingen trekt nu zachtjes op 

de waarheid komt naar boven, de leugen hinkt achterop

Writer's block is plots verdwenen

de mooiste hoofdstukken kunnen nu worden geschreven
Vorige bladzijden hoeven we niet meer te herlezen
fouten vallen toch bijna nooit meer te corrigeren
lessen uit vergissingen die onze toekomst vorm geven
niet het foute maar enkel het goede telt vandaag nog in het leven.

MotherHustler

New Friend

We hebben elkaar ontmoet
op een geheel eigentijdse manier
niet dat het er enigszins toe doet
want nu bevinden we ons hier

Ik hou er van hoe open je bent
je naar je laat kijken als door glas
omdat ik het totaal niet ben gewend
om met een ander te pozen uit dezelfde klas

Ik vind je verhalen zo geweldig intrigerend
we zijn zo anders maar hebben toch ook zoveel gemeen
hoe jij in het leven staat vind ik zo inspirerend
vertel alsjeblieft verder en ga nog niet direct richting Costa Rica heen.

MotherHustler

Soldaat van de (echte) Liefde

Herinner je je nog dat van die soldaat?
Zo van: voor jou sta ik altijd paraat?
En van: voor jou zal ik altijd strijden?
Of van: je verlossen wanneer je zal lijden?

Bleek dat achteraf toch een vergissing geweest te zijn
omdat ik niet wist dat je zoveel ontbrak aan bewustzijn
zowel van jezelf als van je Schepper als van de mensen om je heen
tot je ware aard door een geluidsgolf van je stem aan mij verscheen

Bleek ik al die tijd verliefd te zijn geweest
op een imaginair beeld van een onbestaande geest
Ik zat lang vast in de draden van een door jou gesponnen web
maar nu zie ik je, het type waar ik heel mijn leven al tegen gevochten heb

De mens die altijd met het veroordelende vingertje zit te zwaaien
die alle gebreken van geliefden op een lijstje zit te vergaren
die op zijn huid de meest adembenemende harten kan voelen
maar bij gebrek aan het dragen van uiterlijke schijn niets voor hem bedoelen

De man die zelf voortdurend van God los lijkt
die voor elk aards verleiden gezwind bezwijkt
die immer heilig overtuigd is van zijn gelijk...
Lees je Boek en zie dat niet jouw kritiek maar wel Liefde is Zijn Koninkrijk

Het staat je natuurlijk vrij om aan jouw doctrines te blijven denken
te kiezen om blind te blijven voor Zijn grootste geschenken
want weet dat Hij je enkel onvoorwaardelijke tederheid toe zou wensen
maar jij kiest er liever voor om de oogverblindende schoonheid van de liefste mensen
voortdurend aan dat lijstje met voorwaarden af te blijven meten
ze te bekritiseren en weg te werpen zonder enige last van je geweten
ongeacht de onbetaalbare lieflijkheden die ze jou ooit hebben gegeven
en dan twijfel ik toch, mijn vriend, of jij de essentie van jouw God eigenlijk wel goed hebt begrepen.

MotherHustler

Regenboog

Soms denk je dat de grond het gaat begeven
het pad waar je op stapt helt steil naar beneden

Het is OK even het hoofd te laten hangen

de tranen te laten stromen over je wangen

Eens alles droog lijkt de horror vaak alleen maar schijn

dus laat het gaan, probeer wat meer je echte ik te zijn

Het is daar waar je de essentie terug kan vinden
waar tederheid doch vermogen zich bevinden

Neem diep adem en kom tot rust
wacht tot je innerlijke vuur je terug wakker kust

Neem dan zachtjes aan de draad weer op
denk aan de kool en aan het sop

Voor je het weet gaat het pad alweer omhoog

en zie je daar, mijn liefste, de meest schitterende regenboog

MotherHustler

Soldaat

Ik weet dat je het moeilijk hebt

vertrouw op me, ik voel jouw pijn

en hoewel je me op de slachtbank hebt gelegd

zie ik kristalhelder door de schijn

Onbeantwoorde liefde gegeven in je leven

ze ligt als een blinddoek op je hoofd

uit het stof van je verscheurde hart geweven

het is niet in God maar wel in Angst dat je gelooft

Gehuld in je sluier van gekwellen
zodat je zeker niet ziet
dat ondanks wat ik ook mag zeggen
in mij zit hetzelfde verdriet

Ik weet dat je het moeilijk hebt

vertrouw op me, ik voel jouw pijn

‘Voor altijd wil ik naast jou strijden’ heb ik gezegd

eeuwig zal ik jouw soldaat zijn.

MotherHustler

Rose Rising

Somewhere... in between the savage rose bush

the most beautiful Flower was hiding

Wistfully... because of a never ending rush

the retention of past beliefs kept Her there residing 

Than a ruthless tempest came breaking the briar's rigid branches

by doing so exposing nature's stunning Piece Of Art

Leaving the bared Bloom finally to enjoy the sun's caresses

unveiling at last Her most magnificent and dazzling part

As the Rose before always feared the storm

She subsequently ever stayed in cover

Realising now overcoming struggle is a strength form

She flourishes, over which butterflies hover.

Motherhustler

Find what feels good

Reading this little blog of mine, you might have noticed that I'm treading on Path Unlikely, here. 

Now, how pure and most beautiful my (t)(pr)eachings are though, duly note that I still do fuck up, I still almost pass out from anxiety sometimes, I still do keep hurting the ones I love, I still don't always speak the honest truth because I so dread it to make me look vulnerable and weak and I definitely still do keep questioning myself (pretty much every nanosecond), so I'm definitely no unconditionally happy unicorn riding into the sunset.  Yet.

Which leaves me to one thing and one thing only:

To try to let go controlling my thoughts.

To try to let go the urge to control others.

I try to let shit go as True Peace and True Love only comes with True Acceptance.

X

Awakening

Coming from nothing

I have always thought:

Wealth would never come knocking

For crumbs forever there will be fought

Little did I know 

That if seed can become tree

I, myself, too, can grow

Into the very best version of me.

MotherHustler

Sakura

As this new day is springing

defeat is no more, I will go winning

My tears have dried, my heart has re-opened

act is now key on all that was hopened.

MotherHustler

A little poem I wrote to celebrate my new morning.  My new dawn.

Love,

X

Moirai

All the wonders and the whys
the never being able to say goodbyes

The Three Fates knitting my sweater
Will it be a cropped one or will it end never?

Yet the lids of my eyes keep opening each morning
Today is a happy one or will I keep mourning?

I greet the world and I take in the weather
a conscious decision: today must be better

Because, you see, I'm barely keeping up
with all the changes that fill my cup
but do not doubt, drink from it, I will
After all, is there not a tomorrow, still?

MotherHustler

'At night is when the Muses visit.' Quincy Jones.

I hope you appreciate it,

Love,

X

Starry, Starry Night

Now, let me tell you…

Digging into the depths of your core, untangling the clews of preconceived opinions and unravelling the truth of your authentic self… it will bring you places. 

It will bring you from the river Styx to Gaia's ceiling.  From the grip of Hades to the arms of Eros.

Bam! Snatched by Hydra again.

But no low nor high, no sujet nor emotion will be able to obstruct your way to Revelation Road.  

Even when you’re down, your spirit is soaring as the teachings of struggle are tomorrow’s pillars of consciousness.   

For example, let's take the devouring ache of heartbreak.  The pain of unrequited love, if you will.  It will make you cry tears that wet your skin but that will also dissolve the steel of one of your heart's vaults, disclosing concealed contents.  

This rock bottom of grief and heartache will enable you to question yourself, to make you strip yourself and because of that will also lift you to yet another, veiled before, awareness.  

For me, it drew me to some spiritual guidance which taught me a thing or two.
Amongst other life saving hacks, it taught me that whatever’s in me, I see in you.
That truth does not exist.
We see what we want to see.  We see how we were constructed to see.  All our past experiences, all our preconceived conceptions we see exhibited in other people's attitudes, in our collocutor's words.

Not anymore, though.  I will, in all humility, try to innovate myself.

Being ignored will no longer be a validation of me being not worthy of love.

That reply to my question asked will no longer be considered as a confirmation of me being not good enough.

Not getting what I yearn for from someone will no longer be taken as a representation of my inbedded insecurities.  

I understand now that whatever’s in you, is projected on me and vice versa.

I understand now that we're all just mirrors, reflecting on each other what's really inside ourselves.

Coming to this understanding, I've noticed that we can not pour from an empty cup.
That we should try to fill ourselves with love, tenderness and compassion for self and others in order to spill it over to everyone around us.

We should try to see what's REALLY there to see, not what we THINK there is to see.

We should try to hear what's REALLY there to hear, not what we THINK there is to hear.

Let us try to focus on the good and loving aspects in each other and let's mention them.
Let us draw smiley's on each other's faces and let's color our own hearts with happiness while we are at it as well.  

Let us, in all modesty, try to blank our canvasses and to feel the brushes by the hairs they are made off and to smell the paints by their true compositions.

Let us try to clean our slates today so we are no longer the centuries old reproductions of yesterday.

X

Uplift Yourself

As you could read in my previous (uplifting and joyous) post, I sometimes feel like I can't deal with life's challenges no more.
By times I just wanna curl up in bed, cuddling (and binging on) a six pack of Cara, leaving my smelly dishes on the counter and keep the curtains closed (for a week).  

Although I would like to see it otherwise, I'm not (yet) able to fly high on the clouds of unconditional love and imperturbable empathy every single moment of every single day.   

Nope, I'm just being me, rocking my best Fallible Human Mode. (Mmm... should I trademark this one?)

However hard I try to fight it, whenever I land in that place of heartbreak, in that Sound of Silence kinda mode... I tell myself it's OK to just wallow in self pity for a moment.

I tell myself I don't have to figure out this very moment that parental issue, that relationship, that future plan, that got-to-get-my-whole-life-planned-out-right-this-very-minute,....

I just try to master the moment...the day... and than try to do that the next day and the day after that and the day there after...   

If I feel sad or agitated (or feel like going Chainsaw Massacre on someone), I just try to think about something nice.  You can try it too... Like think about that dream last night, where that colleague you hardly know was breaking your back and now your face lights up like an effing lighthouse whenever you run into him visualizing 'Daddy's' King Kong.... or that extra chocolate cookie you got with your coffee the other day... yogi's choice.

I just try to force myself to think about happy stuff so much so, that at one point I hope it will just come so organically to me that when stuff gets all White Squall on me, I can feel the sun's warmth breaking through the storm and soothing my desperate skin.

Also, it is not highly recommended to flee from every situation or person in the 'this is not serving me' mindset as that would definitely enhance your chances of dying alone at the end, your decomposing body nibbled to pieces by your starved lap dog named Brutus.

It is more favourable to look the beast in its raven eyes and to tell it: we shall settle this together.
We shall settle this together with kindness, with love, with mutual respect.
We shall manage and master conflict instead of running for the hills like we are so used to doing. 

Try to think about the half dragons/half phoenixes we all are...
Think about the courage, the guts and the unstoppable strength we all harbour inside to exterminate those ugly ass roaches of issues.
(Slaying is a must as if thou shallt fail at this essential part, thou shallt keep on encountering the same issues and/or people, only now multiplied like rabbits on Viagra, transformed from roaches to Godzillas.)

Jacking up our self worth, focussing on that one good thing this shitty something or pukeable someone once did for us as well (I know it's hard, you cute little fellow haters, but come on... we can do this), to forgive, to respect and to be kind during conflicts encountered... Those are the keys to unlock the door to Swagger Enlightened.

Anyway, whatever you think, whatever you do... You do you, boo, and always try to remember one thing: that one day or that one moment doesn't define you or your life.  Read that again.

One fuck-up, being fucked up or getting fucked, does nót define you or your life experience.

This heartbreak / pickle / hurdle is nót your ever after.

You sháll overcome.
You sháll prevail my dearest sisters and brothers.

Namaste.

X

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Weary

Sometimes I feel like I can't do this anymore.  This life.  

All well and good probably when you have enough sleep, eat well, exercise,...  But honestly, which working parent is fortunate enough to benefit from these luxuries?

How can you mentally cope with difficulties at work, challenges that occur whilst trying to raise kids or people you love treating you like a disposable (eco)bag, when chronically exhausted?  

I can't.  I really can't sometimes.

And this lack of love.  This absolute lack of love.

Some people are so intensely preoccupied with themselves and so focussed on all the bad and negative in the world and in others...  So blindly involved with their own lusts and lives they don't have any eye whatsoever for the ones next to them.  They just feast on everything they can acquire whilst at the same time neglecting all the things and people that réally matter.

Not hearing anything when they pretend to listen as you try to express yourself because they just do not care about anyone else but themselves.

Some people are so lost, so disconnected from their inner compass that would lead them, if they just would want to listen, to one direction and one direction only: the path of tenderness.  

I'm just sad sometimes... and tired.  So very very sad and so so tired. 

x

Choose someone who chooses you

Every morning I start my day scrolling my Insta feed full of grand quotes and kind reminders, listening to Abraham Hicks preaching in the background.  

By times though, I stumble upon a quote of which I notice that, however representful of my previous mindset, it doesn't serve me any longer. 

Like this morning, when I was scrolling by a citation of Risingwoman.  

There's obviously no ‘one quote suits all’ with everybody being different, thinking different, walking a different path, having different experiences, … and so the one posted today:  'choose someone who chooses you'... didn't fully resonate with me.   

I used to be in a relationship with this amazing guy.  Like REALLY amazing. 

He kind…, he loving…, he caring…, he compassionate…, he like really, absolutely, legitimately incredible.  (Well... maybe not thát caring and incredible after all, but still, you get my drift.)   

I was so fiercely in love with him in the beginning, as he made me believe he lived by exactly the same values and morals as me.   

Not long after though, I saw him acting completely out of tune with the statements he made when we first met.  
This hurt me so bad, like really shredding my heart to pieces, that I was tremendously furious with him.  (Anger is nothing more than translated grieve.)

I was soooo angry with him that I could've dragged him through a field of nettles in his birthday suit or that I could've thrown him down a (marble) staircase with handcuffs on.  (You know, the usual.)

You see, from my instructed perspective, people who enter a relationship have to comply with all its institutional standards.  
They have to act like they have never been hurt before.
Like they have never built any coping mechanisms which kept them alive through the hardest psychological/physical challenges of people they trusted (which they obviously cannot unlearn a few weeks into dating you.  Hell, most people aren’t even aware they created and are acting on these self made constructions, anyway).

We all expect each other to behave according to all standard beliefs and instructions that were forced upon us by the words and behaviour of people who were hurt and disillusioned themselves. 

So when this tormented soul caused me this unbelievable pain by not living up to my expectations I forgot all about his beauty and ended up hating him.  In my opinion back than: I chose him and he didn't chose me back.  

Therefore, I blocked him, deleted every tangible memory of him, ignored every attempt of contact from his side...

Thank you, next.   

   

Fastforwarding to relentless Abrahahm Hicks listening, intense shadow work, mindful yoga, deep soul searching and spiritual expansion later, let me share this with you:

If you find yourself in a situation where you have chosen someone who hasn’t chosen you back, take your time to let it sink in and to lovingly remove yourself from the relation you have with that person.  

It is, never was and never will be, a waste of time as Risingwoman puts it. 

Never.

Ever.

Honour the experience and see it for what it is/was: a magnificent chance to gain essential insights, an amazing opportunity to win inner strength, a once in a lifetime possibility to grow as a motherfucker.   

Honour the people who did not choose you and see them for what they really are/were: your greatest teachers as your interaction with them is/was of great educational value showing you through contrast the behavioral/personality traits you really long for in a lover, in a committed relationship. 

Ask yourself how the behaviour of the other effected you the way that it did and why it did that to you.   
Ask yourself upon witnessing your pain, which parts of you are breaking and love yourself enough to figure out why that is and than lovingly tend to it.

Don’t fill your vibe with anger and resentment like I did and please do not forget to see the most beautiful things they gave you as well.  

You go get your head out of Self Pity Station and get your ass moving to build them the most exuberant shrine like EVAH! (I'm talking sizes twice the Taj Mahal here, people!)

This right here, is real strength, amigos! You taking your power back and not letting external people and/or situations mess with you vibin' (on the contrary, you changing those experencies into opportunities to reach mental Nirvana) is something extraordinary powerful!

When you decide to see the best in a person/situation, you will attract the best in other people/situations.  

Don’t block everything you are worthy of by an invisible wall of anger and/or negativity. 

Shower yourself with the awareness of all beauty and love that's constantly manifesting in front of you and clear those glass ceilings that keep you from receiving all you want and deserve.  

Now, as for a partner you would like to experience the rest of your life with:  

I can not agree with Risingwoman more.

People can say all they want but that love is a choice is not and will never be negotiable.

It's a conscious choice to dedicate yourself to respect and honour your loved one.

To respect and honour yourself.
To appreciate and accept each other's individualities and differences.
To devote yourself to figure out conflicts in a loving and honourable way.
To say 'yes' to being the person you wish you have around to share everyday lifethingies with.
To engage yourself to being the faithful and loyal rock for your most precious one, as it is you yourself that has always wished upon having that same rock in yóur life. (Something with being the change you want to see in others, you know.)

To decide to stick with it even when things get shit-smashing-into-the-fan-covering-the-whole-wide-room-in-feces-and-unbearable-smell hard.

Real and truthful love is something that is built.  Something that can only be created over time. 
Time of getting to know and to having experienced the whole spectrum of your partner’s personality.

Time of personal and mutual challenges that you have experienced and have overcome together.  

Sincere love is there where there’s total and unconditional acceptance of each other.

True love is there where reverence reigns. 

Real love is choosing for someone.  Deliberately making the choice to dedicate yourself for ever and beyond to be the best person you can be for your significant other and to try to abstain from everything that you know is perceived as hurtful by her (or him), every single second of every single day again and again and again.

A trial and error process, yes, but because of that even more so an amazingly pain and gain one.

Therefore, I kindly invite you, if your're going for eternal, do choose someone who chooses you. 

x

Re-enactment

The other day, whilst hurringly grocery shopping with my two precious ones mooching behind me, my boy asked me to buy him this little cactus plant.

 

I snarled at him: ‘No!’ trying to get our necessities without calamities. 

(Fellow hustling parents surely get my drift, like trying to get veggies from the refrigerator when one kid is eating all the grapes from the fruit aisle and the other is drinking and spilling milk all over the floor of the shop because of a severe sorry-mom-but-I-REALLY-REALLY-REALLY-had-to-drink-immediately-or-I-would’ve-died-instantly-even-though-I-just-had-juice-5-minutes-ago whilst in the meantime uttering the most lovely exclamations when I try to reprimand them like: ‘FUCK YOU, MOM, I REALLY HATE YOU, MOM,  YOU NEVER LET US HAVE ANYTHING, MOM,…)  

My refusal of his desire to acquire the cactus obviously upset my kid.   

Now, never letting any opportunity go by to expand my spiritual and intellectual horizon (let’s all be like me and fuck things up all the time so you are never NOT learning) I let my son’s disappointment pauze me in my preoccupation of getting us out of the store with groceries and without any fatalities.

I stopped myself for a minute and overthought the spontaneous ‘nay’ I gave my son.

I never thought about questioning the many ideas and reactions which we think are our own until that point…

About how many of our opinions and (pre)conceptions are really, genuinly ours?

That if pedagogical science learns us that the best way to educate our children is to lead by example, than why did I not ask myself earlier: how many of our 'own' feelings and beliefs can we actually call 'ours'...

After all, aren't we all someone’s children ourselves?

Therefore, are we really thinking and experiencing for ourselves or are we just repeating?

I was stressed so I growled as I used to witness my mom, always stressing, always growling. 

I thought I couldn’t give in to my dearest one as I was drilled to learn that kids can not always get what they want.  My mom never gave in to us as kids as we ‘needed to learn we can not always get what we want’.

I’m so desperately trying to heal and change the world by fiercely trying to love the ones next to me, hoping that they, at their turn, will pay it forward to the ones nearby them but what good does it do when I’m letting the ones closest to me see me to continuously growl, to stress, to have feelings of deprivation, to feel negative…  other than to maintain the current trend of global dissatisfaction/unhappiness.   

We take our actions, words and emotions every single day out of a mold made of behaviour, feelings and thinking patterns taught to us by our parents, experienced by us through friends, seen in society….

The same like when I'm seeing people I interact with behave a certain kind of way. 

If I feel hurt by something they do or say, does this upset me because I authentically think it's upsetting or is it just because I've 'learned' that that specific kind of actions or words are defined as wrong.

So I tried to backtrack my earlier feelings, trying to tap into what I, independent of others’ indoctrinations, thought about the situation.

I went to check the price of the little product of nature.  It only costed 2 EURO, so it was not like my son was asking me for a Shenzhen Nongke Orchid of 200,000 USD.

I came to the realisation that my OWN belief is that the path to happiness is the continuous giving in to that what feels good.  To all that what is beneficial to the body, to the mind and healing for our spirit.

Denying my kid something I can more than easily afford, growling at him like we needed to get out of the store like ISIS would enter every minute to kill us all in there, is NOT acting on any of my true and genuine convictions.

So I think that today would be a perfect day to start stripping myself. 

To get stark-naked and undo myself of all the biased opinions I’m aware I have of everything and everyone and to try to unravel the ones I’m still unconscious of.  

And so it has come upon me, the time for some serious self reflection.

The time has come for some serious tabula rasa.

X

Authenticism

My soulmate.  

Met her in our first year of college, about 18 years old.  

Walking in front of me with her brown, corduroy trousers on.  Tight at the bum, loose over her worn out gypsy boots.  
Her orange turtleneck subtly showcasing her beautifully sculpted body and her long, flax blonde hair, carelessly raised with a large flower pin.

Her almond-white face adorned with freckles, like stars at the sky arch in the light polluted sky.

   

Walking up the stairs with her leather vintage satchel catching my eye and her aural frequency tuning into mine.  

And so it happened...

Few weeks later we were one. 

Her and I. 

Us against the world.  

We dressed different.  We thought different.  We acted different. 

A breath of fresh air in a world full of identical snobs.  

Everybody perceived us as antisocial but we couldn't care less.

Philosophing, rebelling, analayzing... those were the things that really preoccupied us. 

Her and I.

Heart and intuition. 

Peaceful Anarchists against the ruling establishment. 

Anonymous Hippies, fighting silently against the dominating dogmas in our own little world.   

Nothing else mattered. 

One of my first recollections of our friendship was her giving me a book.  

I think it was called 'De Zin der Zinnen' (The Sense of Senses) not too sure, but I  do remember it being an ode to our bodies and its superb ways.  

I still have it to this day.  

I was so enthralled by it.  By her.

It was literally the first time I met someone who was colouring in the same colour palette as me and to make things even better: on the same canvas as well. 

After college we seperated.  

Living my seemingly secure Matrix life, wasn't compatible anymore with her living her best life, far away from Doctrinarian Prison.  

Now, so many years later, she finds herself more and more living, sometimes fearing but most of the time enjoying, the simple yet substantial life.

Even though I haven't seen her in years, I keep on reading her blog where she writes about venturing on the path she has always dreamed of.

Her writing depicting the real deal of leaving the Path Untread.

It's not for all of us, but she is doing it and she is doing (it) good.   

x 

https://angeliquemaas.waarbenjij.nu/

https://www.angeliquemaas.com/winter-2019.html

Mother Earth

Let me brainstorm here for a minute...

So, in order to have our climate saved, we should all, individually, try to reduce our carbon footprint, right?  Yes? 

And than the ACTUAL culprits, the multinationals, should... Oh no, my bad, multinationals are apparently exempted here.
They are all exempted because they deliver the dough.

Now now, in a world where it's actuallly possible for a chemical giant to be patent owner of plenty of  'natural' seeds, this really should come as no surprise to us.

You do understand that money is very important, though?  

You see, it will be a vital tool in the future for buying tickets to go to new established colonies in space.  Ah yes, you do get, that murdering only one planet is not ambitious enough, do you?

Nope.

After exploiting our absolutely breathtaking heimat, which possesses so many ingeneous (eco)systems and a splendor so magnificent that its inhabitants even contrived a 'Creator' to try to find an explanation for such mysticism*, they want to branch out into space.  Ofcourse.

(*This, or She was conveniently created by the elite to deprive and dominate the riffraff.  Maybe both?)

Still.  Try to keep in mind.  The Homo Sapiens is, and remains, a mammal.

So, maybe, the elite keeping their money instead of protecting our climate or exterminating famine (there literally is enough money to go around for everyone, to solve all problems as well, folks!), is not going against nature but instead is being part of it.

Maybe planet Earth has a severe case of Freud's Eros and Thanatos going on...

Maybe we are all made in Her image after all.

x

Racism

What do y'all think?  Is racism a matter of intellect or not?

I used to think so, allright.  d'Offis.  

Intellectuals can be highly unlikely racist, as even a blind mole can see how xenophobia is only a tool used on us, the masses, by the elite to divide and conquer.  Right?

Are there any intellectual racists? 

Probably.  And if so, should we need to redefine the term 'intellect' or is it required to take into account the vital importance of ancestral doctrines and/or the detrimental influence of social portraying?

Could racism be genetic?  

Did my love for some cultures and my discomfort with others slip into my nucleotides some centuries ago?  Is it because my great great grandmother was from Spain, a land once invaded by the Mores, that it's just in my DNA to have specific tastes and preferences or not?  Than again, don't we ALL have mixed blood as so many populations on earth have been at war with each other at one time or another...

So I was talking to this guy the other day, who told me he was opposed immigrants and open border politics.  I did not really bother to go into a discussion with him.  For me personally, the older I get, the wiser (yep, just said this about myself) and the more I realise that people are walking their own paths.  I think that you can try to interfere but what a waste of energy that would be.  Precious energy one can use very much so on its own Highway to Growth.  

He asked me if his opinions would be the end of my interest in him.  'That's an affirmative, boy' I said and he replied: 'Can't we just beg to differ?  We do not all have to have the same opinions, right?'

His comment made me think.  Is he right?  I don't think so.  Or is he?

For me, racism, is not just a different opinion.  For me it is the lack of some essential insights and thus... a matter of intellect.  Or isn't it?  Am I wrong? 

And, on my path of love, is it right for me to let him be?

Isn't leading by example the best way to convey our precious ideals to one another?  

Shouldn't I have pulled him close instead of pushing him away and just let him see how I perceive life?

Shouldn't I let my love be contagious?
Shouldn't I hang out with him just so I could infect him with my tenderness for all?

Does leaving him be, make me, myself, a racist and thus are black people right when saying that to not be racist is not enough, that we all should be anti-racist?

Who actually is the real intellectual here...

X